ASK THE DOCTOR - Fantasy of Rape

I am a 25-year-old married woman. Very often I indulge in a fantasy of being raped by someone. I read somewhere that all women carry this fantasy in their mind. Is it normal to have such thoughts?
- R.Shah

ASK THE DOCTOR - Fantasy of Rape

It is true that there are some women (not all) who at some point or the other in their lives carry the fantasy of being taken sexually or being swept off their feet. These fantasies are common but not universal. This idea is played up a lot by some western fiction, pornographic literature and even the mass media. It is important to note that there is a great difference between a self-projected fantasy and an actual rape. Fantasies are our own creation, and thus we have control over it. It can be a great ‘turn on’ for some, but it is not the reality. In reality, rape is a violent act, forced and unwarned, over which a victim has no control at all.

Very often it is seen that a fantasy is necessary when there is a lack of emotional intimacy between partners and sex is merely a physical activity. Therefore, both you and your husband need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own individually, or with the help of a good counsellor, to determine what can be done to enhance the emotional intimacy so that such fantasies are not required.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Is it normal for a Married man to Masturbate?

My husband has confessed to me that he often masturbates fantasising about other women. Is it normal for married men to masturbate in spite of having a willing partner around? According to me, we share a normal sexual relationship. So why does he find the need to behave this way?

- Rani 

ASK THE DOCTOR - Is it normal for a Married man to Masturbate?

Most married men masturbate, irrespective of the status of their sexual relationship. According to the survey conducted by the University of Chicago on ‘Sex in America’, published in 1994, married people are more likely to masturbate than people living alone. Those who have sex the most, masturbate the most. Some other factors also need to be considered. Partners have different degrees of sexual drive. When one partner wants sex more than the other, masturbation is an acceptable and understandable alternative. Some women are upset, even outraged, if they find their partners masturbating. If masturbation is preferred, and used exclusively as a sexual outlet, instead of intercourse, there is a problem in the relationship and it should be addressed together with a counsellor. 

It is definitely a sign of sexual ‘immaturity’ when one looks for excitement in fantasy etc. For such a person, sex is only skin deep. He is not adequately sensitive to the psychological and emotional components of sex. Counselling could help him to mature sexually and even otherwise. Let me add that fantasy is necessary when there is a lack of ‘love’ between partners…when sex is merely a physical activity. This lack of love cannot be blamed on only one partner. Love happens between two sensitive human beings. Both of you need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own, or with the help of a good counsellor. Change your focus from him to yourself. Ask yourself what you can do to bring more depth into your relationship and make it more than sex — a sharing of intimacy.