ASK THE DOCTOR - How and When Should we Educate Children about Sex?

How and when should we educate children about sex? How much do we tell children? If we tell them too much too early, will it not cause any harm to their psychology? Will it not encourage them indirectly to experiment and become sexually active? Kindly answer this important question in detail.
- N P

It is extremely important to help children feel comfortable about their sexuality from the very beginning. This will prepare them and make it easier for them to ask any question about sex without inhibitions throughout their lives. As they grow, parents and teachers can give them correct and useful information to help them make healthy and responsible decisions about their sexuality. Invariably parents are concerned that telling children too-muchtoo-soon will harm them in some manner, or will provoke and encourage them to become sexually active early in their life. It is necessary to understand that education and information do not encourage children to be sexually active prematurely. On the contrary, children make better decisions about sex when there are no restrictions on what they can ask and talk about at home and when they have all the necessary information they need.

Furthermore, this makes them better equipped at protecting themselves against sexual abuse, incest, molestation, sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy. However, there is information that is more apt for children at particular ages. For instance, five-yearold child should know the correct names for his/her body parts, including sex organs, and that his/her genitalia is a ‘private’ part which should never be touched by anyone. Such training at an early age can help to prevent sexual abuse, which is widespread in the society today. Kindly note that it is not necessary to have a major discussion with your children each time they ask a question related to sex. It is necessary to listen to them carefully. They may just need the answer to one question right now; and that is perfectly all right. Be certain that you are answering the question specifically, rather than lecturing or talking in general terms. You can always clarify decently if you are not sure what your child is asking. Make sure that they know that they are most welcome to ask follow-up questions.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Male Sexuality and Female Sexuality?

Can you describe the difference between male sexuality and female sexuality?
- Miranda

Male sexuality is body oriented. Men get sexually attracted to the body of a woman. They need not have any love for her. That is why men go to prostitutes and are interested in seeing the woman’s anatomy displayed in ads, movies, magazines etc. As against this, female sexuality is very heart oriented.

The woman gets sexually attracted to a man only when she loves him. Just a handsome, muscular look may draw her attention but is not enough for her to get sexually aroused or attracted to the man. It is said that ‘man gives love to get sex and woman gives sex to get love’.

However, it may be noted that all men do not have male sexuality in them, they could be having female sexuality i.e. such men would be heart oriented and sensitive. They would need love as a base for a sexual relationship. Likewise, all women do not have

female sexuality within them. Such women would be body oriented and get sexually attracted merely by the physique of the man. (thus the presence of gigolos i.e. male prostitutes and magazines displaying the bare male anatomy)

ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘Is Loss of Semen Harmful?’

Is it harmful in any way to lose semen is sleep or through masturbation? Does it affect the sexual or physical health of a man? Please answer in detail.
- Javed

Semen is simply a mixture of the products of three glands. Secretions of the seminal vesicles constitute 60 per cent of semen, and the secretions of the prostate gland constitute 30 per cent of the semen. Sperms constitute only 10 per cent of the semen quantity. These glands function throughout your life and continue to be capable of producing their secretions. Some boys worry that if they ejaculate too often, they will reduce the amount of semen in their body. They worry that they may run out of semen and won’t have enough when they need it. This can NEVER happen. A man will make sperms and semen from the start of puberty till his dying day.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Unsatisfactory Sex Life

I am a 40-year-old lady having undergone a tubectomy 16 years ago. For the last 10 years, my husband is not able to satisfy me due to lack of an erection and premature ejaculation. I have noticed that my vaginal opening is slowly narrowing due to the thickening of internal muscles and I also feel tenderness in my breasts. I definitely do not look for extramarital sex, despite my sexual urge which I have to control. What could be the physiological changes in my body?
- Suneeta

Unsatisfactory sex life may not cause any physiological changes in your body. It could disturb you emotionally (psychologically) and may cause some psycho-somatic symptoms, however, it depends on the intensity of your feelings of disappointment and deprivation. The changes that you have observed need to be examined and investigated. They could be due to hormonal changes in your body irrespective of the status of your sex life. They could also be due to approaching menopause. Get yourself examined by a gynaecologist for a clinical evaluation.If your husband is suffering from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, I wonder why he is not getting himself treated. These are treatable conditions in a majority of cases, and he should approach a qualified sexologist for help.

ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘I Feel Guilty Indulging in Sex’

My husband and I have been married for about 17 years. We are both spiritually inclined. We read a lot of spiritual books and we also practice meditation together. Of late I feel extremely guilty every time we indulge in sex. The passion during lovemaking makes me feel like a beast. My husband also feels the same. We both try to control aggressive moments and actions during sex, but it becomes very difficult at times. I feel extremely low about myself at the end of the every sexual encounter. I think something is going wrong somewhere. Do guide us to understand what is happening to us?
- N Salaskar

You seem to have learned that spirituality and sexuality are in opposition. Many so-called spiritual streams regard ‘sex’ as an obstacle or a distraction on the spiritual path. This is a myth. Sex is one of the natural instincts in us, gifted to us unasked, by existence. It is as normal and healthy as other functions of the body. True spirituality teaches the seeker to accept all aspects of life. Life is an invaluable gift, to be accepted in totality. To reject or condemn any aspect of the gift of life is in a way trying to improvise over existential wisdom. The passion during lovemaking is as existential and divine as the desire to pray and meditate. You can’t reject one and accept the other. It is the same energy that manifests itself in both the expressions. Don’t fight with nature. Feel free to express yourself ‘naturally’ during lovemaking with your husband. It is a culmination of the love that exists between you and thus a divine act. Sharing of intimacy does not make you less spiritual. The self-condemnation and the guilt that you are experiencing are more harmful to your spiritual growth than the natural passion.

ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘Is There a Cure For My Sex Addiction?’

I am a 26-year-old depressed guy. I am frustrated with life and feel suicidal. The reason is that I am unable to get an erection and I failed to perform intercourse with three girls. They all left me due to this. I am addicted to pornography since I was 19. I have been masturbating like crazy since several years. Can I be cured of my problems? Is this ‘sex addiction? You are my last hope. Please answer fast.
- P K

Your extreme frustration and thoughts of suicide are serious signs that require urgent medical attention. Do consult a psychiatrist at your earliest. Masturbation per se does not affect the sexual capability of a person, however the ‘obsession’ of masturbation can affect your body-mind in many ways. You have admitted your addiction to pornography and being obsessive about masturbation. This behaviour falls under the category of ‘sex addiction’ which definitely can lead to sexual dysfunctions. Once you are settled with the acute nature of your frustration and suicidal thoughts, do consult a sex counsellor to get some help for your sex addiction.

ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘When and How are Sperms Produced?’

I teach biology in school for classes seven and eight. I also teach a chapter on the reproductive system. Students ask a lot of questions about sperms — when and how are sperms produced? Where are they produced? How do they look? How long do they live? etc. Kindly enlighten me on this matter.
- Manisha

Sperms are produced in the ‘seminiferous tubules’ of the testes. Each sperm is made up of an oval head, a middle piece and a tail. An average sperm measures 50 microns ie 0.05 millimetre. The sperm takes about 74 days to be formed in seminiferous tubules. Sperms have a life of about 25 to 40 days. Sperm production starts in boys at around 12 years of age and goes on for the rest of their lives. Normally, at least 20,000 mature sperms are produced every minute. Each millilitre of semen contains around 20 to 120 million sperms. In each ejaculation a normal male releases around 60 to 360 million sperms.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Postponing Sexual Intercourse in Teenagers

QUESTION:
As parents, what kind of messages can you give your teenager about postponing sexual intercourse that won’t sound preachy, or like you are living in the dark ages?
- H Pawar

ANSWER:
Most parents hope their teenagers will wait to have sex till they are psychologically mature and are able to have emotional resources to manage relationships. It is important for parents to be able to convey this hope while communicating accurate information about sexual health and consequences. While we may encourage teenagers to postpone intercourse, the present reality is that, most young people become sexually active when they are in the clutches of their hormones. Because of this, they must be prepared to protect themselves when they decide to engage in sexual activity. Information about preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is vital to help young people make informed decisions. And parents can help their kids understand the value of selfrespect, assertiveness, and responsible decision-making in postponing sexual activity.

‘Everybody is doing it’ is an age-old pressure tactic that applies to experimenting with drugs and alcohol as much as it does to experimenting with sex. Encourage your children not to be taken in by it. Teenagers often say they have intercourse the first time because they are curious. Open family communication about sexuality can satisfy your teenager’s curiosity, and help him/her behave more responsibly while exploring his/her sexuality.

You can communicate to your teenager that anyone can have good intentions of abstaining from intercourse. However, to translate this intent into responsible behaviour may not be as easy because of the high levels of arousal experienced due to raging hormones. And yet one needs to remember at the right time the consequences of irresponsible sexual behaviour in order to practice responsible sexual behaviour.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

An unhealthy level of interest in bed can soon land you in rehab. AT tells you how to deal with sex addiction

When Tiger Woods entered rehab after his ‘transgressions’ became public, detractors were quick to pipe ‘sex addiction’ as the reason. Years ago, Michael Douglas took treatment to get over his unhealthy interest in sex. And later, so did Xfiles star David Duchovny. And just recently, it is disgraced footballer, John Terry who’s facing the music for his innumerable flings, even as his wife,
Toni is contemplating leaving him.

Interestingly, the American Psychiatric Association does not list sex addiction as a diagnosable mental disorder with no real statistics to show the magnitude of its prevalence. However, its existence cannot be refuted. Like any other addiction, sexual addiction, too, can be treated.


ADDICTED TO SEX? 
As the term suggests, a person can be called an addict when he/she can’t control his/her sexual behaviour — even with strangers, or in public situations. The need for sex becomes so compulsive that it starts affecting the person’s functioning. Addiction to masturbation or even porn are aspects of sex addiction. In extreme cases, the addict goes against societal norms, engages in unsafe sex and can repeatedly cheat despite being in a committed relationship.


WHY IT HAPPENS 
Personality type 
Often, kids can be seen holding on obsessively to their toys. This may indicate an obsessive personality type. Combined with a dysfunctional family, lack of love from parents makes the child excessively dependent on material factors to compensate for the lack of intimacy. While that doesn’t mean the child, later, might turn out to be a sex addict, it increases the risk.

Genes 
Some times the genetic makeup makes them more susceptible to addictions.

Stress 
If under severe stress, a person may look towards sex for temporary relief — not for intimacy but for the momentary ‘high’.


SIGNS TO WATCH OUT 

• Spending excessive amount of time chasing sex and preparing for the same. 
• Continuously compromising on social activities to make way for sex. 
• Feeling extremely dissatisfied, depressed, even angry citing lack of sex (despite having an active sex life). 
• Dwindling sense of intimacy and satisfaction despite engaging in sex. 
• Engaging in sex with multiple partners. 
• Dependency on pornography. 

THE WAY OUT 

• Set a time-frame challenge of not engaging in the sexual act for a particular number of days, or say only once in X number of days. This exercise will accurately tell you about the degree to which you are hooked. 
• Find an activity that can replace the craving, and channelise your energy towards it. Let it be something you enjoy or sticking to it will be difficult. 
• If you feel the cause of addiction is stress, figure out the source and deal with it. 
• Seek professional help. 

NOTE FOR PARTNER 
Most addicts are known to live in a sense of denial. Hence, if your partner suffers from the syndrome, do not confront with harsh words and most importantly, do not address the problem as an ‘addiction’. This will only backfire and strengthen the sense of ‘denial’. Instead, seek professional help citing lack of intimacy and a relationship problem ‘shared’ by both. Use the ‘our’ problem approach rather than mentioning it as ‘your’ problem.