ASK THE DOCTOR - Unsatisfactory Sex Life

I am a 40-year-old lady having undergone a tubectomy 16 years ago. For the last 10 years, my husband is not able to satisfy me due to lack of an erection and premature ejaculation. I have noticed that my vaginal opening is slowly narrowing due to the thickening of internal muscles and I also feel tenderness in my breasts. I definitely do not look for extramarital sex, despite my sexual urge which I have to control. What could be the physiological changes in my body?
- Suneeta

Unsatisfactory sex life may not cause any physiological changes in your body. It could disturb you emotionally (psychologically) and may cause some psycho-somatic symptoms, however, it depends on the intensity of your feelings of disappointment and deprivation. The changes that you have observed need to be examined and investigated. They could be due to hormonal changes in your body irrespective of the status of your sex life. They could also be due to approaching menopause. Get yourself examined by a gynaecologist for a clinical evaluation.If your husband is suffering from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, I wonder why he is not getting himself treated. These are treatable conditions in a majority of cases, and he should approach a qualified sexologist for help.

ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘I Feel Guilty Indulging in Sex’

My husband and I have been married for about 17 years. We are both spiritually inclined. We read a lot of spiritual books and we also practice meditation together. Of late I feel extremely guilty every time we indulge in sex. The passion during lovemaking makes me feel like a beast. My husband also feels the same. We both try to control aggressive moments and actions during sex, but it becomes very difficult at times. I feel extremely low about myself at the end of the every sexual encounter. I think something is going wrong somewhere. Do guide us to understand what is happening to us?
- N Salaskar

You seem to have learned that spirituality and sexuality are in opposition. Many so-called spiritual streams regard ‘sex’ as an obstacle or a distraction on the spiritual path. This is a myth. Sex is one of the natural instincts in us, gifted to us unasked, by existence. It is as normal and healthy as other functions of the body. True spirituality teaches the seeker to accept all aspects of life. Life is an invaluable gift, to be accepted in totality. To reject or condemn any aspect of the gift of life is in a way trying to improvise over existential wisdom. The passion during lovemaking is as existential and divine as the desire to pray and meditate. You can’t reject one and accept the other. It is the same energy that manifests itself in both the expressions. Don’t fight with nature. Feel free to express yourself ‘naturally’ during lovemaking with your husband. It is a culmination of the love that exists between you and thus a divine act. Sharing of intimacy does not make you less spiritual. The self-condemnation and the guilt that you are experiencing are more harmful to your spiritual growth than the natural passion.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Postponing Sexual Intercourse in Teenagers

QUESTION:
As parents, what kind of messages can you give your teenager about postponing sexual intercourse that won’t sound preachy, or like you are living in the dark ages?
- H Pawar

ANSWER:
Most parents hope their teenagers will wait to have sex till they are psychologically mature and are able to have emotional resources to manage relationships. It is important for parents to be able to convey this hope while communicating accurate information about sexual health and consequences. While we may encourage teenagers to postpone intercourse, the present reality is that, most young people become sexually active when they are in the clutches of their hormones. Because of this, they must be prepared to protect themselves when they decide to engage in sexual activity. Information about preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is vital to help young people make informed decisions. And parents can help their kids understand the value of selfrespect, assertiveness, and responsible decision-making in postponing sexual activity.

‘Everybody is doing it’ is an age-old pressure tactic that applies to experimenting with drugs and alcohol as much as it does to experimenting with sex. Encourage your children not to be taken in by it. Teenagers often say they have intercourse the first time because they are curious. Open family communication about sexuality can satisfy your teenager’s curiosity, and help him/her behave more responsibly while exploring his/her sexuality.

You can communicate to your teenager that anyone can have good intentions of abstaining from intercourse. However, to translate this intent into responsible behaviour may not be as easy because of the high levels of arousal experienced due to raging hormones. And yet one needs to remember at the right time the consequences of irresponsible sexual behaviour in order to practice responsible sexual behaviour.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Unsuccessful Attempt at Sex

QUESTION:
I have been married for the last two years after a passionate-but-no-sex six month affair. In these two years, my husband and I have attempted sex exactly six to seven times, but because it was so painful and unsuccessful, it was a total turn-off. Now my husband feels so repulsed at the very mention of sex, also he says he that has to force himself to feel attracted towards me. I still feel attracted and turned on by him. His private area is a ‘prohibited zone’ when it comes to me. He is addicted to masturbation and he says he’s quite comfortable relieving himself this way. I’ve totally lost interest in relieving myself on my own. He doesn’t help either. He has also begun calling me a child-wife although I’m nearing 30. Please help.
- Manju

ANSWER:
It is sad that your sexual relationship is in a mess today. It seems that it all started with painful and unsuccessful attempts at the initial stage of your relationship. That has put your husband totally off towards you, as far as a sexual relationship with you is concerned. You seem to have carried the fear of penetration, which resulted in a clenching up of your body during intimacy, and when one is tense, the lubrication is insufficient, and thus the pain, which merely serves to reinforce the fear of penetration. This becomes a vicious cycle. Your husband on the other hand was afraid of causing you pain when you might have resisted, and his fear due to your apprehension kept him away resulting in his seeking sexual release through masturbation which he now finds as a comfortable outlet as he does not want to have to encounter your apprehensions and be responsible for causing you any pain. Neither of you can be blamed for this situation completely. It happened due to a lack of proper knowledge (sex education) on the part of both of you. Both of you were either uninformed or ill-informed about the physical as well as psychological (emotional) aspects of a healthy sexual relationship. That made both of you commit major mistakes during your early attempts at intercourse. This situation can now be rectified through a series of ‘sex counselling’ sessions for both of you. This requires a willingness on the part of both of you to attend such counselling sessions together. Do consult a senior sex counsellor as a couple for professional help. Strictly avoid more attempts and self-help. That may worsen the situation.