ASK THE DOCTOR - ‘I Feel Guilty Indulging in Sex’

My husband and I have been married for about 17 years. We are both spiritually inclined. We read a lot of spiritual books and we also practice meditation together. Of late I feel extremely guilty every time we indulge in sex. The passion during lovemaking makes me feel like a beast. My husband also feels the same. We both try to control aggressive moments and actions during sex, but it becomes very difficult at times. I feel extremely low about myself at the end of the every sexual encounter. I think something is going wrong somewhere. Do guide us to understand what is happening to us?
- N Salaskar

You seem to have learned that spirituality and sexuality are in opposition. Many so-called spiritual streams regard ‘sex’ as an obstacle or a distraction on the spiritual path. This is a myth. Sex is one of the natural instincts in us, gifted to us unasked, by existence. It is as normal and healthy as other functions of the body. True spirituality teaches the seeker to accept all aspects of life. Life is an invaluable gift, to be accepted in totality. To reject or condemn any aspect of the gift of life is in a way trying to improvise over existential wisdom. The passion during lovemaking is as existential and divine as the desire to pray and meditate. You can’t reject one and accept the other. It is the same energy that manifests itself in both the expressions. Don’t fight with nature. Feel free to express yourself ‘naturally’ during lovemaking with your husband. It is a culmination of the love that exists between you and thus a divine act. Sharing of intimacy does not make you less spiritual. The self-condemnation and the guilt that you are experiencing are more harmful to your spiritual growth than the natural passion.

ASK THE DOCTOR - Unsuccessful Attempt at Sex

QUESTION:
I have been married for the last two years after a passionate-but-no-sex six month affair. In these two years, my husband and I have attempted sex exactly six to seven times, but because it was so painful and unsuccessful, it was a total turn-off. Now my husband feels so repulsed at the very mention of sex, also he says he that has to force himself to feel attracted towards me. I still feel attracted and turned on by him. His private area is a ‘prohibited zone’ when it comes to me. He is addicted to masturbation and he says he’s quite comfortable relieving himself this way. I’ve totally lost interest in relieving myself on my own. He doesn’t help either. He has also begun calling me a child-wife although I’m nearing 30. Please help.
- Manju

ANSWER:
It is sad that your sexual relationship is in a mess today. It seems that it all started with painful and unsuccessful attempts at the initial stage of your relationship. That has put your husband totally off towards you, as far as a sexual relationship with you is concerned. You seem to have carried the fear of penetration, which resulted in a clenching up of your body during intimacy, and when one is tense, the lubrication is insufficient, and thus the pain, which merely serves to reinforce the fear of penetration. This becomes a vicious cycle. Your husband on the other hand was afraid of causing you pain when you might have resisted, and his fear due to your apprehension kept him away resulting in his seeking sexual release through masturbation which he now finds as a comfortable outlet as he does not want to have to encounter your apprehensions and be responsible for causing you any pain. Neither of you can be blamed for this situation completely. It happened due to a lack of proper knowledge (sex education) on the part of both of you. Both of you were either uninformed or ill-informed about the physical as well as psychological (emotional) aspects of a healthy sexual relationship. That made both of you commit major mistakes during your early attempts at intercourse. This situation can now be rectified through a series of ‘sex counselling’ sessions for both of you. This requires a willingness on the part of both of you to attend such counselling sessions together. Do consult a senior sex counsellor as a couple for professional help. Strictly avoid more attempts and self-help. That may worsen the situation.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

An unhealthy level of interest in bed can soon land you in rehab. AT tells you how to deal with sex addiction

When Tiger Woods entered rehab after his ‘transgressions’ became public, detractors were quick to pipe ‘sex addiction’ as the reason. Years ago, Michael Douglas took treatment to get over his unhealthy interest in sex. And later, so did Xfiles star David Duchovny. And just recently, it is disgraced footballer, John Terry who’s facing the music for his innumerable flings, even as his wife,
Toni is contemplating leaving him.

Interestingly, the American Psychiatric Association does not list sex addiction as a diagnosable mental disorder with no real statistics to show the magnitude of its prevalence. However, its existence cannot be refuted. Like any other addiction, sexual addiction, too, can be treated.


ADDICTED TO SEX? 
As the term suggests, a person can be called an addict when he/she can’t control his/her sexual behaviour — even with strangers, or in public situations. The need for sex becomes so compulsive that it starts affecting the person’s functioning. Addiction to masturbation or even porn are aspects of sex addiction. In extreme cases, the addict goes against societal norms, engages in unsafe sex and can repeatedly cheat despite being in a committed relationship.


WHY IT HAPPENS 
Personality type 
Often, kids can be seen holding on obsessively to their toys. This may indicate an obsessive personality type. Combined with a dysfunctional family, lack of love from parents makes the child excessively dependent on material factors to compensate for the lack of intimacy. While that doesn’t mean the child, later, might turn out to be a sex addict, it increases the risk.

Genes 
Some times the genetic makeup makes them more susceptible to addictions.

Stress 
If under severe stress, a person may look towards sex for temporary relief — not for intimacy but for the momentary ‘high’.


SIGNS TO WATCH OUT 

• Spending excessive amount of time chasing sex and preparing for the same. 
• Continuously compromising on social activities to make way for sex. 
• Feeling extremely dissatisfied, depressed, even angry citing lack of sex (despite having an active sex life). 
• Dwindling sense of intimacy and satisfaction despite engaging in sex. 
• Engaging in sex with multiple partners. 
• Dependency on pornography. 

THE WAY OUT 

• Set a time-frame challenge of not engaging in the sexual act for a particular number of days, or say only once in X number of days. This exercise will accurately tell you about the degree to which you are hooked. 
• Find an activity that can replace the craving, and channelise your energy towards it. Let it be something you enjoy or sticking to it will be difficult. 
• If you feel the cause of addiction is stress, figure out the source and deal with it. 
• Seek professional help. 

NOTE FOR PARTNER 
Most addicts are known to live in a sense of denial. Hence, if your partner suffers from the syndrome, do not confront with harsh words and most importantly, do not address the problem as an ‘addiction’. This will only backfire and strengthen the sense of ‘denial’. Instead, seek professional help citing lack of intimacy and a relationship problem ‘shared’ by both. Use the ‘our’ problem approach rather than mentioning it as ‘your’ problem. 

ASK THE DOCTOR - Unsuccessful Attempt at Sex

I have been married for the last two years after a passionate-but-no-sex six month affair. In these two years, my husband and I have attempted sex exactly six to seven times, but because it was so painful and unsuccessful, it was a total turn-off. Now my husband feels so repulsed at the very mention of sex, also he says he that has to force himself to feel attracted towards me. I still feel attracted and turned on by him. His private area is a ‘prohibited zone’ when it comes to me. He is addicted to masturbation and he says he’s quite comfortable relieving himself this way. I’ve totally lost interest in relieving myself on my own. He doesn’t help either. He has also begun calling me a child-wife although I’m nearing 30. Please help.
- Manju

It is sad that your sexual relationship is in a mess today. It seems that it all started with painful and unsuccessful attempts at the initial stage of your relationship. That has put your husband totally off towards you, as far as a sexual relationship with you is concerned. You seem to have carried the fear of penetration, which resulted in a clenching up of your body during intimacy, and when one is tense, the lubrication is insufficient, and thus the pain, which merely serves to reinforce the fear of penetration. This becomes a vicious cycle. Your husband on the other hand was afraid of causing you pain when you might have resisted, and his fear due to your apprehension kept him away resulting in his seeking sexual release through masturbation which he now finds as a comfortable outlet as he does not want to have to encounter your apprehensions and be responsible for causing you any pain. Neither of you can be blamed for this situation completely.

It happened due to a lack of proper knowledge (sex education) on the part of both of you. Both of you were either uninformed or ill-informed about the physical as well as psychological (emotional) aspects of a healthy sexual relationship. That made both of you commit major mistakes during your early attempts at intercourse. This situation can now be rectified through a series of ‘sex counselling’ sessions for both of you. This requires a willingness on the part of both of you to attend such counselling sessions together. Do consult a senior sex counsellor as a couple for professional help. Strictly avoid more attempts and self-help. That may worsen the situation.